Down & Dirty: Supernatural Cleaning Services (Book 2)

The only thing worse than a serial killer that hates you...is a serial killer that likes you.

It's the beginning of the worst knock knock joke ever: a dead body, a pregnant vampire, and a murderous ex all show up on the same doorstep. Except this joke happens to be my life.

The dead body is a "gift" from the notorious vampire serial killer. Doesn't anyone send flowers anymore?

The only upside to his attention is that Nico, a one-eyed werewolf private detective, has decided to assign himself as my personal bodyguard. Even though Nico gets me hot and bothered, I'm done with bad boys. Instead, I'm determined to make things work with a new guy that I've met. A nice HUMAN guy. But I can’t take this relationship to the next level with a werewolf on my tail.

As if that wasn't enough, I'm also juggling a new cleaning job at a supernatural brothel and trying to hunt down a kidnapped baby.

Can I juggle work, romance, and an obsessed serial killer? I can, or I'll die trying.

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Excerpt:

Chapter One

On the porch of my beautiful Victorian house is a dead body.

A dead vamp body. A pool of blood surrounds him, no doubt permanently staining the wooden floorboards. I’ll have to get some hydrogen peroxide on that ASAP.

Even worse, it’s a vampire I know. I met him at a vampire straw party where I was trying to get information about a different dead vampire. This vamp at the party was blinged out in diamonds and used a bedazzled straw to steal a taste of my blood.

If this was a romantic comedy, that would be our meet-cute. A love/hate thing, where he comes on too strong at first, but eventually I come to see the big softie he is inside.

Except my life is definitely not a romantic comedy. Also, that guy was a total asshole through and through. It was real obvious in the three minutes we spent getting to know one another. Still, I didn’t want him dead. Or, er, more dead since vamps are technically already dead. But this dude in front me of me is a total goner will-bite-no-more dead.

And his black bejeweled straw is sticking out of his neck, impaling a piece of paper onto his throat.

I crouch by him. The note reads, Clean this up, bitch.

“Are murders going to be a normal thing around here?” Darron asks. Darron is my housemate, an older thespian and a drag queen. He’s lived with me for about a week, but honestly it feels like he moved in a lifetime ago, so much has happened.

“I hope not,” I tell him as I pull out my phone. But who should I call? All the cops are dirty or scared. I learned that the hard way this week. I don’t have anyone.

Sighing, I scroll through my contacts. I’m about to eat some major humble pie. I’m never going to hear the end of this from him.

“Hi Nico. I need your help…” I practice out loud while the phone rings on the other end. And almost choke on the words.

“Nico?” Darron mouths. “The sexy one-eyed werewolf PI?”

I nod while waiting for Nico to pick up. If he does. Our last interaction did not go well. I basically told him that I never wanted to see him again. He’d lied to me, and I was beyond pissed. Then I stole one of this client’s cars—a cute red Ferrari. But that was yesterday, so totally water under the bridge, right?

“What do you want, Paige?” he answers with a growl.

Okay, so maybe more like water washing away the bridge.

“Look, I’m not really sorry about yesterday…”

“You’re specifically calling me to not apologize?” he asks.

“No. Yes. Just, can you come over?”

“I don’t know. I’m busy. I do have clients,” he says. I don’t know if he means it as a low blow, because my cleaning business has dried up, but it stings. On the other hand, half of his clients are only there for sex-on-the-side so I wouldn’t necessarily put all his success on his investigative skills.

“Fine. I’ll call someone else about the dead vamp on my porch,” I tell him.

“Wait. No. Are you okay?” he asks, his tone morphing from annoyed to fierce.

“I’m great. Except for the previously aforementioned dead vampire on my porch,” I snark. “Are you coming or not?”

He pauses long enough to make me think he’s gonna say no. But then… “Be there in twenty,” he says.

“What do we do with this in the meantime?” Darron motions to the corpse.

I have never been so glad to have a large house away from the street. You’d have to actually walk up to my door to see Dead Mr. Bling Vamp.

I shrug. “Coffee?”

We head toward the kitchen, still trashed from my other housemate’s extreme reaction to the bad news that her brother’s killer was actually my boyfriend, Brent. And she wasn’t there to watch him get arrested. And then tear him into a million tiny pieces. Shauna had a bit of a pixie breakdown, which involves actually breaking things. Mostly my things, but I didn’t have the heart to light into her at the time.

I sigh and sit. “Darron, you make the coffee and I’ll fill you in.”

“Deal,” he says and gets started, cleaning as he goes, moving with a grace that I envy. He’s really not the worst housemate a girl could have.

“Brent…” I start. How do I even begin?

“Yes, your murderous boyfriend who tried to frame your ex-husband, Jax, for the murder of the child he was switched with at birth, called a changeling by the fae.” He pauses, tilts his head.

“That’s the one,” I tell him with a sigh.

“Your life is better than a telenovela!” he exclaims.

“Just try living the drama,” I mutter before I continue. “Brent’s part of this organization. They’re pretty powerful actually. Really secretive. They’re called O.H.I.O.”

“Like the state?” Darron asks, leaning into the coffee pot and taking a deep breath of the aroma that has just begun to percolate.

“That’s the acronym. It stands for the Order of Human Improvement Options.”

“That’s ominous,” Darron declares.

“I hadn’t heard of them before last week, but they have pull. They set Jax up, killed Kit, and then got some poor sap to take the blame. Brent’s not even in custody.”

Darron nearly drops the cup he’s holding in anticipation of his fresh coffee. “I saw Brent get arrested. That one cop, Detective Sloane, took him in.”

“Detective McGinnis thinks that Sloane’s being strong armed.” McGinnis is one cop I trust; he’s been nothing but straight with me. “Maybe his family is being threatened. I don’t know. The point is Brent is free. He’s not going to be punished for Kit’s murder.”

“Brent is free?” comes a tiny voice from behind me.

Shit. Shauna.

I turn slowly. “Shauna, I wanted to break it to you in a better way.” Shauna is my sister-in-law. Ex sister in law. Jax’s bio sister and part of the family into which Kit, as a fae changeling, was adopted.

I prepare for the worst. A tornado of righteous fae fury that can take down the house and us with it.

“My brother’s killer is just walking around, being a total dick-wad, free and clear?” she asks, her small face scrunched in anger.

I nod hesitantly. “Brent’s better connected than I imagined,” I tell her.

She clenches and unclenches her fist. “I’m going to find him and kill him.”

Finding him won’t be a problem. He’s running for the senate. He’s very high profile. Killing him, though? Even after all the shit he put me through, I don’t want him dead. I want him punished and to pay for his crimes.

“He’s protected,” I tell Shauna. “Going after him is a suicide mission.”

“I’ve been on plenty of those,” she says. I can see she’s ready to flit off to exact murderous revenge.

Good thing Darron cuts in. “Maybe some coffee first?” he suggests, placing a steaming cup in front of me. “Shauna, I can blend yours with ice cream, just the way you like.”

She sniffles. “Yeah, okay. Kit’s not getting any deader.”

I’m shocked at her nonchalance, but I know she’s already cried and raged and drugged herself into oblivion. This is just the next item on her coping mechanism list.

She does put a hand on my bare arm as she walks by and for a moment I feel a tug of exhaustion. I slap her away.

“Don’t you ever feed on me,” I tell her, anger dripping from every word. Fae can feed on beauty. It gives them a nice high and their victim looks rundown and feels exhausted. Though there are no long-term effects for the fed-upon, I’m not going to fuel Shauna’s appetites. Especially not if it means I have to feel like shit.

She pouts. “I need a little pick me up. I did just get some earth-shattering news. Besides, take it for the compliment it is.”

“In case you forgot, I just had my world turned upside down, too,” I tell her. “I took you in, gave you a place to stay. I am not enabling your addiction. And if you want to compliment me, feel free to do it with words. Like maybe a thank you?”

“Fine,” she pouts. “There’s a bridal fair at the convention center today. I’ll stop by there and feed on all those bridezilla bitches.”

Darron places her coffee milkshake in front of Shauna and sits. “Just make sure to step over the dead vamp on your way out.”

“Another one?” Shauna looks at me, wide-eyed. “Paige, I never thought human lives were this interesting.”

“Thanks,” I say, settling in next to her as she shoves a powdered donut in her face.

“Want to come to the bridal con with me?” Shauna asks, spraying powder across the table.

“No, I really don’t,” I tell her. In another timeline, I would have accepted Brent’s offer of marriage, and gone to that convention looking for dresses, floral arrangement ideas, and the perfect cake topper. But I’m living in this one, where my former fiancé is an underground criminal and my ex sister-in-law eats all my food.

My phone vibrates, and I sigh.

Also in this reality: a sexy, one-eyed werewolf detective waiting for me outside.