The Midlife Cancer's Guide to a Bad Horoscope
Power of the Zodiac (Book 3)
POWERS OF THE ZODIAC is a hilarious and new midlife magical series from the authors of Down & Dirty Supernatural Cleaning Services!
Can a hot Viking help me save my mom...and the world?
I'm Crystal and I've always trusted that the universe and the forces of good would make everything work out how it's supposed to be. But that faith is getting a little shaky these days.
A megalomaniac billionaire has kidnapped my mother and won't return her until he gets the final piece of a magical item that will give him god-like powers. He's not the type to use that immense power for the betterment of mankind, either, so I have to do everything I can to stop him.
Luckily I have a hot Viking Berserker on my side. He has some old fashioned ideas about a woman's place, and yet he can also be surprisingly sweet. While my body yearns for his, my better sense tells me that we need to join our souls before we join our flesh.
I also have my dead husband's two other wives on my side. They have powers based on their Zodiac signs, and my own powers will be coming any day now! I hope it's soon and I really hope my "crab" powers don't include claws!
I'm going to use up all my good karma, because this will be a fight to decide the fate of the world.
This is book 3 in the Powers of the Zodiac series. Join Maddie, Helena, and Crystal as they navigate their newly found magical midlife powers.
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Excerpt:
One of the truest things I know about myself is that I love weddings. Big elaborate ones in ballrooms, small intimate ones in sunlit fields, and even the totally bonkers one that took place in the center of a mosh pit during a Rage Against the Machine concert. Whether the bride and groom were shouting their vows or reciting them from a Klingon translation—I always feel moved.
Tonight, at Maddie’s wedding to Aden, it should be no different…but it is.
I want to do the Chicken Dance, Electric Slide, and the Macarena with a full heart and light feet, the way I usually do at wedding receptions, but instead I find myself losing focus halfway through “Y.M.C.A.”
Usually I add energy to the dance floor, my enthusiasm spreading to everyone else.
Usually my dancing is effortless and spontaneous.
Usually I dance until my feet hurt and then I dance some more.
But tonight, I’m not quite feeling it…and it’s not just because the wedding was interrupted by a mega-billionaire bent on world domination who tried to kill all of my friends. Don’t get me wrong, that was definitely a blot on the day, but like all dark clouds, it eventually passed and the sun shone through once more.
Why then is a part of me still cold at heart?
Well…it’s probably because that mega-billionaire is almost certainly coming after me next. No matter how many deep healing breaths I take, I can’t quite shake the sense of impending doom.
But I have to. At least for a few hours. I mean, you just can’t spend all your time worrying about annihilation from a crazed bazillionaire. Also, this is Maddie’s big day and being a guest at her—or anyone’s—wedding is a privilege. Witnessing the love two people share is a reminder of the best part of the human experience—finding and connecting with one’s soulmate.
Okay, sure, my own soulmate search didn’t end well. But I am not going to let Bobby’s betrayal make me bitter. I saw Helena go through that, and it was rough. I’m also not going to doubt myself or my ability to know how to love like Maddie did.
Instead, I am just going to keep breathing and remind myself that the winds of lady fate will steer me in the right direction.
I just wish she’d hurry up with it. It’s tough being stuck on the sidelines while my sister-wives (this is what I call them, although they both hate it) gain powers and find their true loves. Not that it’s been easy for Helena and Maddie. Their magical powers developed on their birthdays, powers that aligned with their horoscope.
Maddie, a Gemini, could split herself into twins, and each twin could split as well, meaning that she could be in more than one place at a time. She claimed it was super useful with her four kids, but it turned out to be even more convenient when Geoff Busk, a tech guru and quadrillionaire came after us all. He knew about the talentum and its ability to bestow godlike powers, and he wanted it.
I don’t know any other uber rich people, so I can’t say they're all like this, but Busk reminds me of a spoiled toddler—if he wants something, he expects to get it. In this case it meant threatening the lives of Maddie and her children. Maddie got really pissed off and killed a bunch of goons—with some help from her demigod boyfriend (now her husband!). Yet despite giving it their all, Busk got the talentum piece.
He came after Helena next, by framing her for murder. That messed Helena up pretty bad. She seems cold and like the type who’d find her one-night-stand dead beside her in bed and just shrug it off with a mental reminder to have her housekeeper change the sheets. In reality, it shook her to the core. It didn’t help that the scandal of it all led to her losing her hotshot lawyering job.
That Busk is a weasel and a spoiled baby, but he’s not a total dummy. With Maddie, he’d used her kids against her, threatening their lives. With Helena, it was her career.
Still, things had worked out okay for Helena in the end. She has the power to create earthquakes big enough to break the Richter scale, and equally importantly—she finally found love. Helena might have lost her part of the talentum, but she gained the actual Casanova (a hottie professor who goes by the name Ford these days), who’s vowed to settle down and be true to her and her alone.
Now, though, with Maddie and Helena’s pieces of the talentum gone, it’s pretty obvious that Busk is going to come after me next. It’d be nice if he’d wait until I get my powers on my birthday—it’s only three weeks away. Actually, a few days after my birthday would be even better. I don’t even know what those powers will be and judging from what Maddie and Helena went through, I’m guessing it’ll take me some time to figure out how best to use them.
“Y.M.C.A.” finally ends and I push my way to the edge of the dance floor as a slow song begins. As a single lady at a wedding, pop culture tells me I have two choices for how to behave. I can sulk on the sidelines, angry at the world because love has done me wrong. Or I can be a horny single looking for a hottie to take home for the night.
Luckily, Harmony always taught me that as women we have more choices than the world (mostly the men half of the world) tells us. So I’ve always seen slow dances as a chance to make new friends. I take pleasure in finding the people at the edge of the crowd, the grandpa with a cane or the shy and awkward teenage boy, and I coax them into joining me on the dance floor.
Now my gaze goes to the tall dark figure standing just outside the circle of lights.
Roar, the Viking berserker who had been guarding Helena’s piece of the talentum. I went on a little road trip with Helena and Ford to hunt him down, where he lives in the wilds of New Hampshire, totally off the grid. And we found him all right. Naked as an animal of the forest, in all his bare glory.
And it was glorious. I’ve always considered the human body a work of art, but Roar’s is something on a whole different level. He’s large and muscled and…hung like a horse.
Of course he’s fully dressed right now, but even in a borrowed suit he looks amazing.
As if he senses me staring, Roar takes a step forward, just enough to light his eyes so that I can see he’s watching me too.
Given that he lives off-grid and has only displayed the barest communication capabilities, I’m not sure if he realizes that we’re in a rom-com right now, each of us gauging the other to see if we should ask for the dance.
Too bad he’s already bluntly told me he only looks at women as places to drop off his berserker seed. I’m pretty sure our vibes are probably not on the same wavelength. I’m thinking about cute, flirty dialogue, and maybe some punch afterwards while we share childhood stories; he’s thinking impregnate, impregnate, impregnate.
Other Books in the Series:
